For the unitiated, the Parma Pierogi is a unique delicacy made by wrapping saurkraut (my personal favorite), cheese or potato inside of a delicious doughy pocket. Now, there have been numerous attempts to alter this combination (one individual reportedly tried Post Grape Nuts(TM), but most of these have proven to be dismal failures.
Now one now notorious Parma-ite, Nelson Pierogifellow, decided that he and his company, "Standard Pierogi" were going to consolidate and monopolize the Parma Pierogi Market.
First, they started out by buying up the small "Pierogi-Eazies" that specialized in late-night, so called "bathtub" Pierogis. Most of these had existed since Pierogibition (or Pierohibition, the old-timers used the h instead of the g).
Then , in a most sinister manner, other retailers either joined "Standard Pierogi" , and exchanged their secret recipes for shares of "common stock" in the monopoly, or, their saurkraut and cheese shipments simply disappeared ! The more reticent tried to "convoy" in the badly needed supplies. These were viciously attacked by "Pierogi-jackers", who came out of nowhere and then disappeared into the night!
On the commodity markets, the Parma Pierogi was quickly outperforming hog-bellies and heating oil futures. Creative black marketeers realized they could make a hefty profit by emptying out Hostess (TM) fruit pies and filling them with Saurkraut, Potato or Cheese. Others tried to dilute or "cut" their so-called Pierogis with oregano or "milk sugar".
Hoping to force the stock price of Standard Pierogi even higher, Nelson cut back on production. Many employees were placed on short-term layoff. Profits soared! Unfortunately, for the little guy, so did the price of pierogis. "Brother, can you spare a Pierogi?", was played repeatedly over the Parma radio airwaves.
Some migrated to a mythical land across the sea where the roads were reportedly "paved with pierogis". Others, lacking in such high ideals, looked for cheaper alternatives. It didn't help much either when Vice Presidential Candidate, Edwin Muskie, declared Northern Parma a "Pierogi-free national recreational area".
Finally, Mayor John Pierogi (who had reportedly already sold his "Standard Pierogi" (TM) stock and was now "short" selling pierogi futures) stepped in and ordered that Standard Pierogi needed to be busted up into smaller "competing" companies.
The resulting "baby Pierogis" never quite showed a profit. But, for most Parma-ites, the days of Schlitz Malt Liquor and potato pierogis, had finally returned!
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1 comment:
West Side Market on W. 25th has a stand that sells them with dozens of standard, rare, & highfaluting fillings. Check it out sometime!
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