Bowling Ball Graveyard
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Parma Ohio is the Center of the Bowling Universe. I remember as a kid, bowling every Saturday with the cub scouts at "Red Circle Bowling Lanes" on State Road at about 10:00 in the morning.
For those of you unfamiliar with the sport, it originated on the island of Muga Muga when a local native discovered that if he fed date pits to a giant Oyster, the beast would spit out this heavy round balls that could be used in battle against neighboring tribes.
Then, someone, figured out that you could improve your aim if you drilled "finger holes" into these giant pearls. Later technology demonstrated that heating the balls in boiled water made them not only smooth, but also reuseable!
The result was what the natives called "Boiling Balls".
Anyway, during times of peace, it was customary for the eldest daughter of the island chief to randomly select a mate from the 10 most eligible bachelors of the "Muga Muga" tribe. First, the men were lined up in a wedge formation. Then, the bride-to-be rolled the Boiling Ball into the group of potential husbands, hoping to "Strike" the one she wanted.
In the case of an ugly woman, all 10 men hoped to be "Spared".
In the case of a real ugly woman the end result was always a "Split".
Now, the lowliest of professions on the island of Muga-Muga was that of a goat-herder. Thus, the one thing that the Princess never wanted was a "Goat-herd" ball.
Eventually, the game grew in popularity among the lowest classes on the island. Because of the poverty of the participants, it became known as "Ten Peons".
Anyway, back to Parma.
One of the challenges of bowling balls is disposing of them once they are no longer able to be used. So, Mayor Pierogi and the "ten wise men" that sat on City Council decided to call a special town meeting to discuss the problem.
The result, was the still infamous "Bowling Ball Disposal Act of 1973". This City Ordinance mandated the following:
1. All new housing construction in the City of Parma must aesthetically incorporate the use of a "Bowling Ball motiff" in their architectural plans.
2. The practice of "rolling" old bowling balls down State Road Hill in the hopes of picking off foreign imports will hereinafter be banned without a seasonal license.(With the exception of Yugos and "Karman Ghias")
3. No funeral shall be finalized until the "coffin inspector" verifies that any "unused space" is filled in a "respectable" way with old bowling balls.
4. "Bowling Balls shall herinafter replace plastic Easter eggs as the decoration of choice for all "Easter Egg Trees". The City of Parma will now host the annual "bowling ball hunt"
5. City Hall employees will now be required to proudly wear "T-Shirts" that promote our official "Got Bowling Balls" slogan. Any employee that deletes the word "Bowling" will be severely disciplined.
Unfortunately, the laws were a dismal failure. An underground bowling ball "black market" seemed to spring up overnight. Before you could say, Jack Rabbit, bowling balls were "disappearing" overnight and reappearing at the bottom of Ridge-Wood lake wearing a pair of "Concrete Overshoes". (Thus preventing them from ever floating to the surface).
The most creative use of old "bowling balls" was the decision to use them as a temporary "pothole" filler; Thus generating the old Parma Proverb....
"If the potholes don't get ya the bowling balls will."
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